US | 2013 | Directed by Douglas Aarniokoski

Logline: A nurse who spends her extra-curricular time luring cheating married men and murdering them finds her mission complicated by the arrival of an attractive new nurse.

Nurse 3D, using its official title (there’s something incredibly tacky about movies that incorporate their gimmick into the title), is an odd movie. It’s not a good one either. In fact, it’s not even a good bad one, which perhaps it’s trying to be, since it obviously plays mostly for laughs. And therein lies the grindhouse rub, but more on that later.

I’d been waiting ages to see this movie, having been lured by the teaser poster campaign well over a year ago, and eventually the trailer that seemingly promised a uber-sexy, ultra-trashy indulgence. I had hoped to see it in the cinema in its 3D-shot format, but alas, it wasn’t to be. Neither was I able to organise a home 3D screening. A shame really, because from what I watched the 3D would’ve made the movie a damn sight more entertaining.

Abby Russell (Paz de la Huerta) is the titular (snigger) nurse, by day strutting through the corridors of All Saints Memorial in her ludicrously high pumps and thinking nasty thoughts, but by night, she slips into her sluttiest gear, dons a mountain of makeup, tousles her wild hair (was that a wig?), and hits the nightspots on the hunt for the scum of the earth; those married men with wedding rings in their pockets keen to cheat on their wives with some pretty young thing.

Abby has a burning agenda, but it’s newbie nurse Danni (Katrina Bowden) who unknowingly throws a spanner in the works. Abby has a soft spot for the ladies, and although Danni is betrothed to Steve (Corbin Bleu), Abby knows he’ll soon fuck up, leaving Danni all vulnerable and alone. In the meantime there’s psychotherapist Larry Cook (Martin Donovan), and Dr. Morris (Judd Nelson) to satisfy her bloodlust. Best get cracking.

Douglas Aarniokoski rams his slick flick full of all the obvious exploitation trappings, but this is no Piranha remake. It’s not even a Machete or Planet Terror. They eat this bitch for breakfast. It doesn’t even deserve to be slapped in my Deep Trash bin. Nurse is a contradiction from start to finish, failing in almost every department, except probably the 3D one, but I can’t comment there (and I strongly doubt I’ll revisit the movie just for the three dimensions, despite my intention before I started watching).

Okay, so the acting is mediocre at best. Paz de la Huerta is awesomely seductive in the posters, but her strange accent and delivery fits very awkwardly with the rest of the performances, not to mention her ungainly stride. Judd Nelson’s career highlight was more than twenty-five years ago, ‘nuff said. Martin Donovan, how embarrassing. Kathleen Turner, was that you?!

The less said about the screenplay the better, but exploitation flicks were never about the plot, so I’ll let that one slide. But where are the practical gore effects?! Nurse relies on CGI, which is wrong, wrong, wrong! But the most annoying thing of all is the nudity, or lack there of. Abby does get her gear off a few times, but, very oddly, she keeps her brassiere on. We can see she’s waxed clean as a whistle (which, by the way, is so NOT grindhouse), but why she keeps her bra on is a mystery (actually, I think it’s because Ms de la Huerta’s breasts are asymmetrical).

Co-star Katrina Bowden has two showers with her knickers on, clutching her arms to her side to hide her breasts. What the fuck?! Why would you cast actors in such a movie if they weren’t prepared to do the nudity properly?! (I suppose I should be directing that complaint to Rodriguez too (re: Jessica Alba in Sin City).

If you stripped all of Nurse’s strange nudity and plastic gore away, you’d be left with the kind of pain no amount of medication would fix. Forget the comedy, watch Autopsy instead.

Nurse 3D Blu-ray is distributed in Australia by Roadshow Entertainment.